Not Everyone Gets a Trophy

In 1922 social psychologists theorized that giving kids participation trophies would build self-esteem and help them become more successful adults. The idea wasn’t tested until the late 1980s and 1990s and when it was pushed into children’s sports nationwide by well meaning parents and coaches.

The experiment was a colossal failure, and demonstrably damaged kids' mental maturity. Participation trophies sever the link between extraordinary effort and results. They teach the absolute wrong lessons and they demotivate kids and adults alike. They destroy motivation and determination.

Life is not fair and not everyone starts in the same place, but the great equalizers are persistence and effort. By building a habitual practice anyone with enough time and effort can learn a new skill whether it is a martial art, a new language, guitar etc.

At Bear Hug, all belts are earned by coming to class, learning your moves and then, over time demonstrating the ability to execute your moves against a resisting opponent.

I have been training for 25+ years and I make allowances for size, age, and personal capabilities, but the standard is quite high. This doesn’t mean I expect a seven year old to arm bar a 150LB teenager. It means the seven year old must know the moves appropriate for their age and rank.

High standards mean not everyone will get promoted at the same time. And, kids in particular might go a promotion or even two without getting a new belt or stripe.

That’s Ok And It’s Normal. 

It doesn’t mean they are doing anything wrong or not making progress. It means they need to come to more classes and maybe work a little harder and pay more attention.

Over the years, some parents have expressed their frustration with having to deal with a disappointed child who might be upset and even cry.

All I can say is, I track the number of classes kids attend and I watch what they do, how they act, and how they perform. Do I get it perfect? Unfortunately, no 

But, everything can be solved by talking to your child and helping them become more determined than ever to come to class and apply themselves.

There is a lot more to learn from disappointment and failure than winning.

In my own life, I have experienced some colossal failures and disappointments. I was rejected the first time I applied to West Point. Two arduous years later, I won an appointment by beating out thousands of other candidates at the West Point Prep School.

I failed my first three attempts at the US Army Ranger School and then was the Commander of Troops on my fourth attempt.

In 2003, I commanded an infantry company in Iraq, and we conducted hundreds of successful combat missions, and then in one single battle two of my men were killed and several were wounded.

My first two businesses were miserable failures, and I barely avoided bankruptcy and then my third, fourth, and fifth businesses all did very well.

 Success is not a one time event or a linear progression.

How your child learns to deal with failure

could be one of their greatest life lessons!

And, those lessons have nothing to do with winning every race or match. It means learning how to deal with losing and the setbacks that everyone experiences in life.